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Let's just add something else to Max's life to make everything even worse than it alrewady was before.
Billy relapsed.
That is just great. Fucking perfect.
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Wednesday, July 12th, 2006
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You'll never guess who I just saw in Blockbuster. Kristen and her new boyfriend, Eric. I feel...I don't know what I feel. I guess I feel overwhelmingly sad, excruciatingly violent, angry, downtrodden, pathetic, weak, useless, alone. My little sister started making a lot of noise about it, saying she should just go over there and kick him in the balls. But I was too worried about getting in another fight and losing. For one who used to pride himself for his fighting abilities, it hurts to see yourself like this. To find that you are so pathetic and timid that your little sister, who only weighs 106 pounds, is the one doing what you should be doing is a horrible feeling. I avoided any confrontation whatsoever. I can hear my mother saying it was the smart thing to do. But I know it wasn't what a man would have done. All those dreams and fervent prayers about being able to stand over his broken and bleeding body vanished in the blink of an eye, because I backed down. Luckily, I had debated whether to bring my knife along with me, but in the end I figured the chances of needing it were so remote that I may as well leave it behind. It is a good thing, too, because if I had had it on me I almost undoubtedly would have stabbed him and killed him, thereby destroying any possibility of ever having the future I want for myself. FUCK. I hate myself for being so weak, for not being good enough, for losing her to him. It hurts so badly to see someone that you loved subsumed and twisted by the person you consider to be the embodiment of evil in your life. This is the first time I've felt like crying in weeks. And now I am, and I hate myself for it. I feel like dying. What hurts the worst is that she chose that piece of shit over me, which, in my mind, equates to him being better than me. How could she be fucking him? How could I have ever loved and slept with someone who would sink so low? What the fuck is wrong with me? What the fuck is wrong with her? But, mostly, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?
There you go, Max, just pop another Prozac, and everything will be alright. Medicate yourself into numbness so that you don't have to deal with the shitstorm that your life has become. Just narcotize your life right along with your problems.
It hurts so much. Why can't I just be like other people? Why can't I let go? I want to scream until my throat is raw, I want to break everything around me, I want to tear my hair out by the roots, I want to kill, or maim, or torture.... Something, anything, to alleviate the things I feel inside of me, the things that are choking off my life. But none of it would really make it go away.
Where is the Dragon when you need Him? I haven't felt His touch for many months, and now when I finally need His presence, I cannot call Him forth. My clenched jaws, clamped down so hard that the muscles ache and spasm, seem the only things steady, as everything within and without of myself falls to pieces. What has happened to my passionate resolve to stand up for that which I believe in? What has happened to my life, you ask? I happened. I want to burn the earth down around me, and then stride into the flames.
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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I feel empty. Totally devoid of, well, everything. I can't find any music worth listening to, or find anything worth doing. Tried reading, got sick of it. Was going to draw; lost the motivation to do so. Sleep? I can only do so when my body shuts itself down from absolute exhaustion. Internet bores me. Writing seems not only futile, not even worth the effort because it is without meaning for even me. Haven't thought of the Dragon in a while, but doing so would most likely be a mistake. Maybe sometimes it is best just not to feel at all. The world seems a duller place, as though I have lost the ability to detect a certain color. I'm really out of it right now. I probably ought to try to sleep.
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I'm restless again. I feel like a tiger stalking about in a cage that I cannot see or touch, but that I can sense somehow. Have you ever watched a tiger pacing about its habitat? They are the embodiment of restlessness in my mind. I have to start all over on my positive-thinking binge. I've slid back to where I was before. I don't see the positive, rather only the negative. I'm sick of it all. I honestly don't really know what I am saying, or even what it was I wanted to say when i started out this entry. I guess its just my restlessness.
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I firmly believe that the letter 'Q' should be instated as a real, bonafide number. That's right folks; let's make Q a number. We could place it in the space between 473.5 and 474. i'M NOT INSANE, I'M JUST ECCENTRIC. Okay, so maybe am a bit off my rocker. Life is boring me, because nothing seems like it is worth doing because of the time constraint before I go away. Job would be worthless, a meaningful relationship would be hopeless due to a lack of anyplace for such a relationship to go, most the people i know are busy or don't want to have anything to do with me, I've got nowhere to travel to. So I'm left with things like proclaiming that the letter Q should be made into a number... Wow, life is just one big thrill ride for me. I guess I'll go start a new book.
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I hardly slept last night, and only then for about 4 hours. I dreampt awful dreams last night. Not awful in the sense that a nightmare is, but awful in the sense when you realize that your daily events are of such a nightmarish quality that they can so readily exist in a bad dream. It is scary to see all of your own realistic fears come true. I just hope I can sleep tonight.
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I just got a bunch of stuff from Knox about courses and such. I'm all excited. I want school to start. For some reason, all afternoon, my arms and hands are kind of shaky. Weird.
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As I'm sure you have all noticed, IT'S RAINING AGAIN!!!!! I love it. I love standing out in the rain and surveying the empty, rain-soaked world around me. I always feel very regal and noble when I do so, as though I am lord over all the lands that I see, because I am the only one out there to claim them as his right. The rain makes a lot of people morose; I, on the other hand, am cheered by it. I love the shadows and the clouds that it brings. The pall cast by them helps to dim the garishness of the sundrenched world, leaving the landscape in a sort of twilight that radiates a considerably more sophisticated and subtle kind of aesthetic appeal. I stood outside, without benefit of my porch's shelter, watching as the swimming pool was assailed by countless raindrops. I watched the clouds and the sky, for once admiring their qualities, rather than cursing their onslaught. I observed the rain-shrouded mountains from afar, the storm impaling itself upon their peaks. I watched the leaves and fronds, close at hand, dancing as they were tickled by the rain's delicate touch. I am supremely happy to learn that it rains more in Illinois. I've been trying to write these last few days, but I've had little success. I have plenty of smaller ideas, none of which merits and entire story to itself, and I cannot find a coherent way to piece them together... It is more than a bit vexing. I have several terrific settings for stories, but no plot/idea that meshes well with them. I like it when I am able to have a deeper meaning to my stories, something more than the simple, shallow words, something that stays with you after you read it. But it seems to me that I cannot go beyond the surface level of telling a story and the events that occur therein. I cannot seem to make events culminate into something greater than their individual parts, probably because there is no guiding purpose to the story. But every time I try to outline a story, I get about half way through and decide that the whole idea is retarded, that it is cliche and that it goes nowhere in the end. AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so frustrated about that. They say you can't force writing, but certainly there must be things you can do to encourage it...
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I just saw the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie at the 12:00 showing, and I must say it was considerably better than I had expected. I need to get out more. But how does one go about making new friends, when you have none at the moment, and you are lacking certain social skills that make you comfortable to get to know completely random people? That one has me at a bit of a loss.One thing that happened tonight made me feel good about myself. We had gotten to the theatre almost 2 hours before the movie started, because my sister is weird like that. While we waited, I realized that the vast majority of people are not comfortable enough with themselves that they can entertain/occupy themselves without some sort of outside help, such as electronics or conversation. It made me feel very self-sufficient just to sit there with my only thoughts to keep me busy for going on 2 hours, while everyone around me seemed incapable or unwilling to do the same. This epiphany made me rather proud of myself. I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm a little tired so I'm going to try to sleep now.
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Sorry if I'm a little volatile right now, it's just that so much has happened recently that I don't know how to cope with. I realize I go from one mood to another like I am changing shirts. I'm out of it in the extreme, and I'm trying to do what I can to fix it. It is difficult to fall out of touch with the world under the best of circumstances, which this is most definitely not. At least, I'm slowly getting better. I don't hate myself so much anymore, because I have stopped shouldering the blame for all that went wrong. Sure, I am responsible for some of it, and I accept that. I'm human; I make mistakes. I've learned to live with myself again, now I just need to work out some other issues. I'm sorry if I disturbed anybody. That wasn't my intention. I just needed to vent. I guess that's whats up with me as of now.
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Can't sleep, because my rage consumes me. What I wouldn't give to be able to get away with murder. My veins race with liquid hatred, producing an inexorable tide of vengeful malice inside me. I can't sleep because my fingers itch for his throat, my fists for his face. If ever an urge to cause pain and suffering has been this palpable, I have never known it. I would see him lying in a pool of his own blood and urine from the wounds I inflicted, which would never have the oppurtunity to heal, and from him pissing himself when he realized he was going to die. They say the world works itself out, that people get what they have coming to them, but what good is it if they don't get whats coming to them from the people they harmed the most. Every time I shut my eyes i see his smarmy little weasel face dancing behind my eyelids, so proud of himself for cheating me out of that which i valued the most so that he could have it for himself. Would it seriously be so wrong to cut out the tongue of a degenerate scum bag whose every breath is expending perpetuating lies and suffering? To shatter every bone in his hands past the point of repair, so that he could look down on them and see what he had brought upon himself every single day that he continued to live? These and many more horrendous scenarios play out in my mind every time i try to sleep. I can't full asleep when my ears ring with the sound of my blood rushing through them, when adrenaline pumps through my system in the impotent wish to strangle the life out of his body. If it weren't for the fact that it would destroy every aspect of my future, i would not hesitate to torture and murder him. To think that i have suffered and felt so worthless on account of all that he has done to me, when he is the one who is truly worthless, truly without potential, truly without any redeeming quality. If the world were a place of justice, he would swallow his own tongue and choke to death this very night. But the world isn't a place a fairness and justice, it is a place that perpetuates filth like him. He will florish and grow like a weed run rampant in a beautiful garden, sucking the life out of everything near him without a thought for what he is doing, so long as he gets his next fix. Why can't I just let go? I know that actually going through with this wouldn't solve anything, but i so desparately want to. JUST LET IT GO. LET GO, MAX, JUST LET GO. NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD.
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Wednesday, July 5th, 2006
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I feel restless and insatiable. It's as though there is something I want or need to be doing, which I am not complete without,but I don't know what it is. I feel like I'm always searching for something, and that I won't know what it is until I have it. It seems as though what I'm searching for is, in some form, a physical object, a satiation of a physical desire, while simultaneaously it seems incorporeal, like an idea or feeling, a satiation of a mental/emotional desire. It is strange to lust after something so vividly when you have no idea what it is or even what it might be. Many many times a day I sit down in front of my computer and I go to Myspace or LJ or MarilynManson.com or Nachtkabarett.com or any number of websites, desperately seeking I-know-not-what, as though they will be the unwitting providers of this holy grail or whatever it might be. Maybe it is my peace of mind. Maybe it is my desire to be loved, held, or merely appreciated by another human being, so that I feel worth something to an entity outside of myself. I've gone to therapists, and I continue to do so, searching for some unknown, some variable in this equation we call life, a variable for which there is no known solution to solve. I'm becoming abstract and philosophical now, but that isn't how it really is (or is it? I honestly don't know...) because it started as a physical longing, and slowly transformed into a combination of physical and mental. Maybe it is moving on toward the spiritual;Maybe it is spiraling downwards into meaningless and incoherence. All I know for sure is that there is a desire, no, rather a deep longing within me somewhere that begs to be fulfilled. I feel nostalgic, desirous, and elated, though for what I couldn't begin to tell you. Its driving me up the walls of my brain, so that I hang by hand and foot to the roof of my mind, like a demon-possessed child in a cheap horror flick. I feel like a cat must when it arches its back, hair standing on end, as it hisses and spits at some unseen rival. I want to tear my hair out; I want to lie staring at the ceiling in a complete state of catatonia. I want to sleep, I want to laugh, i want to cry, i want to kill, i want to die, i want to torture, i want to suffer, i want to maim, i want to be mauled, i want, i want, i want i want i want i want iwantiwantiwantiwantiwantiwantiwantiwantinawtwitnatnawitawnitainwwitnatnaiwwnatiinawtinawtinwattintawawatnititninawtnawitnawitnawiiwantiwantiwantiwant i want i want i want i want, i want, i want, i want, I want, I want, I want. I want until it is all i know, until it is all but incoherent, until it IS incoherent, until it makes sense one more. Now i sit and stare at the word 'want' and wonder if it is an actual word with an actual meaning. I'm a bit deranged right now.
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I am so bored. Because I am bored, I am becoming depressed. It is hard to occupy one's self when you don't really have friends anymore. It seems I have chased off the few friends that I did have, as well as my girlfriend. So, whenever I'm not doing something that keeps my mind busy, my thoughts tend to wander back to the fact that I have no friends anymore and that I don't have anything to do because of that. I keep blaming myself for everything that happened, even though not everything that happened was my fault. I cannot understand why I insist on putting myself at fault when I know that I would make the very same decisions again if I had to do it all over. I finally stood up for my morals and values, but it came at a high price: all of my friendships. I'm still unsure as to whether it was worth what it cost me; certainly, I did what I believe is right, but it hurts me so badly inside. I know it's not the truth of the situation, but it nevertheless seems that every time I take a stand for my beliefs it only hurts me in the end. And so I am torn between two extremes; I can either give up on my beliefs, and thereby not be unhappy because I wouldn't have lost my friends, or I could hold my ground unwaveringly and suffer the consequences for doing so. But I also know that if I abandoned my beliefs, I would not be happy, because I would have betrayed all that I once stood for. Yet, I am most definitely not happy without any friends. I've tried making new friends, but all I am left with are odd acquaintances whom I don't know very well, and the people I was once friends with but have since lost touch with. This is harder than it sounds, because my personality tends to have one of two effects on other people: they either get along with me very well, or they hate my very existence. I wish I could write something, but all I have in my mind are splinters and fragments of ideas that are so completely unrelated that there is no coherent way to put them together. Plus, I'm kind of lacking any real motivation to do so. Pink Floyd's "The Wall" seems all too fitting to my current circumstance. I kind of feel like the lyric in god-knows-which-song that goes "I feel cold as a razor blade, tight as a torniquet, dry as a funeral drum." Its amazing how applicable all their music is right now. "I've got wil,staring eyes, and I've got a strong urge to fly, but I got no where to fly to," and I feel very much like getting on a megaphone and shouting out into the night: "IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE?!?" because right now I feel utterly alone and lost within the confines of my gnarled and twisted mind. I'm hiding in a bunker behind my Wall. Luckily, I haven't reached the "Comfortably Numb" state yet. I just realized that if you don't know this album well, you most likely have no clue what I'm raving about. Okay, I just most definitely saw the words 'breasts' even though it is no where in sight or nothing even relatively close to it. I guess it just illustrates how primitive my mind can be at times. God, I need sleep...or at least that's what I tell myself. I probably sleep too much. But with the roughly bi-weekly bouts of insomnia I have convinced myself that I need all the sleep I can get, so I sleep til somewhere between 10:00-12:00 in the morning. I'm kind of trailing off, aren't I? Well, I suppose that's all I really wanted to write anyway. I'll leave you with this:
IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE???
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I just went outside and stood in the rain for a good 15 minutes. I left through the side door in my room, wearing only a t-shirt and boxers. Standing there, letting the rain wash over me, I felt pure. I felt better than I have in a long while. I was one with myself. I wandered, barefoot, around our property for a while, before returning through the same door I exited. I came inside and stood before the mirror. I stripped off my shirt, and I watched the water race down my chest in tiny rivulets. Unconsciously, I had slicked back my hair to keep the water from dripping down my face too much. Seeing this in my reflection it caught me off guard, it made me actually LOOK at myself in the mirror, rather than glancing without truly seeing. I saw myself for what I truly am: me, plain and simple. I realized that I am okay with myself, with who I am, regardless of what might happen outside of myself. I just looked at my reflection and saw myself as I truly am, without all of the preconceptions my mind has created, without all my outside problems, without bias; And, finally, I realized that I liked what I saw. With that knowledge, I stepped back outside into the new deluge of rain that had begun to come down. I wore only my boxers, and if it were not for the chance that someone would look out their window, I surely would have gone naked. It just felt so right, standing there in the rain, letting it wash over me- whom i now knew to love for who I am- and being at peace with my surroundings. Strange how the tears of the sky have even more power to cleanse us than our own tears do... I feel good.
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It has been a long time since i've been on here. Looking back on last summer's entries, i'm surprised to find many similarities to this summer, except that this summer I'm having problems with girls. BAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, at least it's raining outside. I love rain. That's about all I have to say right now. Oh Anyone who reads this, plz leave a comment... I'm trying to get back in touch with those people whom i have fallen out of contact with.
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Monday, January 2nd, 2006
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Life is good right now. This is the biggest social life i have ever had, and i'm loving every minute of it. I'm going to be sad when break ends because then my social life will probably become non-existant once more. Oh yeah, awesome news: I have a girl friend. During the first week or so of break i asked Kristen out. Unlike all previous attempts with asking people out, she said yes. Stazh and Curtis, YOU LIED!!!! Having a girlfriend is absolutely worth it. Oh well, I forgive you. Otherwise, life is pretty standard. Christmas and New Years were both great, but that's a given. I've been working on a longer story recently, but i'm not quite sure i like how it's coming out. I'm trying to emulate one of my favorite author's style of writing, yet i feel as though i am missing some critical piece. Hopefully i'll be able to figure it out soon. That's about it, as far as my life is concerned. Enjoy the rest of your break everyone...i know i will.
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Thursday, December 22nd, 2005
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yeah, so i'm bored. I'm stealing this stupid little quiz thing from Scuz just for the hell of it...
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?
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Thursday, December 8th, 2005
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Guess what just came in the mail?!?!?!? MY LETTER OF ACCEPTANCE TO KNOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In case you hadn't noticed, I'm ecstatic...Knox being my first choice and all. Goddamn! Who would have thought that even after barely passing Freshman and Sophmore year that I'd be able to get into the college of my choice (and a damned good one too, i might add)? Certainly not me. I feel like bragging, as if that wasn't obvious at all... But that's ok, after all, one of the few claims i haven't made in my day is that of being modest. to borrow a line from Anchorman: "I want to shout it on top of a mountain". hmmmm where's the closest mountain? Mt. Lemmon, eh? BAH! Thats too far. I guess LJ will just have to suffice then...
toodles!
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Meh, what's there to say? Not much point in rehashing old stuff, and nothing new has happened to me soooo it's the same old same old. I've been working on a longer story, nothing terribly complex, rather generic actually, but i'm just trying to see if i am capable of writing a thoughtful story of any decent length over 20 pages. I feel the need to test my limits. Oh, i talked to Mr. Christopher, my counselor, on monday and he said that Knox College (my school of choice) had recently called and asked about me. He said not to quote him on it, but he believes that after talking to them and showing them my first quarter grades that i am as good as in! I'll have a reply from Knox to see if i got accepted by Dec 31st at the latest. I can't wait. I can't wait for college... i'm looking forward to it a lot, and i'll finally be moving out and living on my own without my parents. Well, that's about all i can think of to write on...
p.s.- you will notice, as per your instructions, i updated and it was close to upbeat, Stazh.
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Saturday, October 29th, 2005
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It's sad how right i have been all these years. i always knew that one of the few unchanging things in my life was the fact that i am alone. i've never liked people in general because they frighten me. we humans are just too unpredictable, too nasty to turn your back on for even a second. I don't like being depressed, and to deal with it lately i have had to have a goal to work towards. my goal has been getting good grades so i can get in a good college. but to do so i have focused my entire life on that goal, leaving all else by the wayside, including friends, family, a social life. Hell, even relaxation time went away. But losing all this made my depression come back. oh well. maybe it will go away once i get back to work...so i guess i'm off to write a college essay or something...
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gluteousmaximus's journal
frustrated.
sleepy.
content.